Brides Wanted!
Mom called up day before yesterday and asked me to pack my back-pack and come home, reasons, “suitable boy”! I gasped with fury — “not again! I have a series of meetings, please do not ask me to come down”! But no respite — pestering, emotional blackmailing, sobbing, angry spat, breakdowns, and reluctant acceptance, the cycle continues. I suppose this is the story of most “marriageable” “independent-girls” caught in the “arranged marriage” system — trademark of the grand narrative called “Indian Culture” . Forget about dowry, forget about marriage preparations, the toughest job for a metro-sexual female is to get herself married in the first place. 
I was reading an interesting piece in Yahoo news “Ruined by Education”, which traces the kind of education that prospective brides ought to have. The news piece states that these days most men want girls who are independent and educated enough, but not so educated that they fall into the risk of being intellectuals!! The news piece adds that girls from Sophia College, Ajmer ; Kamala Nehru College, New Delhi are highly in demand in the marriage market as good bahus, and that some classifieds categorically state that “girls from JNU, LSR or Miranda House need not apply.” I wonder where do IITs stand in this list of producing eligible bahus in the exceedingly competitive matrimonial market. Grooms’ families would consider IITian girls as a tough bargain and tough nuts to crack I suppose. No doubt these girls will earn in lakhs but they are also the biggest risk factors. Who knows how stubborn they are? Who knows how many affairs they have had?
So the classified columns have one more feather in their cap: “Criteria-1: Very fair, slim, good-looking, well-behaved bride wanted! Criteria -2: Should be from such-such college with a degree in English, Psychology, Home science, etc” . The first criteria, I had always found sick — every classified has the same oneliner “very fair” and “slim” — as if every bride ought to be no less than a Miss World or Miss Universe. The matrimonial ads seem no less than fairness creams’ promotional campaigns.
I wonder, why are many men so insecure of having highly intellectual wives? When there are females who are no more than high school graduates can put up with intelligent males what’s wrong the other way round? The equations have been turned, but so, what’s strange about it? Things alter along with alteration in circumstances and demands of the particular time. True, a lot of responsibilities and compromises need to be made from either side, when the female is a professional, extraordinarily busy individual — but then she also makes you feel proud of her existence in your life. As females we also have to accept certain realities of life — not with rejection but with happy acceptance. Whatever the role reversal is, a certain degree of humility is always a positive aspect in any relationship. Whenever, I go to markets, malls or hospitals these days, there is a peculiar change which I notice while observing couples — it is usually men who carry the small kids either in prams or on their shoulders, while women do the shopping and complete other formalities. This was not so when we were kids, we were usually carried by our mothers only, while fathers’ looked after the shopping and such things. Personally, this seems to be a positive change, for men realize that their responsibilities go beyond being merely bread-earners of the family.
But, it’s still very sad that even intelligent men are afraid of highly intelligent women. The reasons are unknown but maybe such females are sometimes egoistic and uncompromising when it comes to career and individual achivements. Partly, the reasons are also men are afraid to admit that their wives/girl friends are better off than themselves. It might be bitter but is true to some extent. Generally, such girls are turned down with cliched statements like — “actually you will not be able to fit into my family”, or say something like “you are wonderful as a friend — I mean you give wonderful company and advise, but I cannot think of you as my wife”, or maybe after 10 months of dating you might hear “really you are very caring, intelligent and compassionate, but I have never thought of you in that direction”, or maybe even more weired statements, “no you must be joking yaar! Where do you have the time to give for a family”, or “I want you to change to some extent, or else it will be difficult for us to gel!” Phew! I can go on citing exactly such statements for pages of this blog which prove that some men evade responsibilities even in so called “love affairs”. The scenario of arranged marriages are better not to be described! In the case of arranged marriages, it is not just the “groom”, but his familiy, his family’s family, mediators, neighbours, your own family, your families’ family, your friends and the list goes never ending…you have got to change your manners, your lifestyle of say some 25-26 years for every other living creature around you.
I don’t say that change is not desirable! But changes are a natural process, which need time and patience from either side. Love as a common denomination has the power to change anything in this world. Idealistic, true, but not without basis. Selecting girls on the basis of their colleges might be a new fad, but such generalizations are dangerous and harmful for the society in the long run.
For the time being however, I am listening to Bryan Adam’s, “She’s a Little Too Good for Me”:
She knows all the right people – reads all the right books
She’s got my name – she’s got my number
But what she see’s in me I sometimes wonder
She’s a little too good for me
She’s gonna change me if I let her
She’s a little too good for me
But I’m getting better….
U have written a very sensitive article…..! Most of us(girls) have gone through the same situation with this revolutionary thought……! Just wanna say everybody in this world does not come under the same category…..Still there are nice people around……It needs vigil eyes to trace them out…..!!
Sasmita
June 23, 2008 (Monday) at 12:28 pm
Thanks! You are right…it’s been difficult for girls pursuing higher education in India to negotitate between ideals and practical aspects of those ideals…it’s also true that everybody doesn’t come under the “same” category…that’s the reason why i wrote “most” men and “some men”…not “all men”
… and also the cultural conditioning that shapes many psychological aspects… my aim was actually not to single male ego out, but rather to highlight the sad aspect of cultural changes that sometimes become oppresingly demanding …
Anne De Plume
June 23, 2008 (Monday) at 1:00 pm
I can’t disagree with even a single word of this article of urs. I think we can now make an association of the “intellectual girls”
vanita
June 24, 2008 (Tuesday) at 6:19 pm
Hey Thank u so much!!!!!! very encouraging…sure the association is already there we just need to realize the power of that association and use it constructively
…
Anne De Plume
June 24, 2008 (Tuesday) at 10:30 pm
But, still I feel, we should get married to some one (I’m optimistic to get some one). Does not matter if it late; better late than never
anita
June 30, 2008 (Monday) at 8:28 pm
of course…no one stops us from getting married…in fact i myself might get married if luck permits
…but the article is about the present “matrimonial bazaar”…thanks for the comments
Anne De Plume
July 1, 2008 (Tuesday) at 12:22 am
Interesting article.
I have some observations:
1. The author says “I wonder, why are men so insecure of having highly intellectual wives?”
How are you sure that men are insecure of having intellectual wives? Can it not be the women who aspire to find a more intellectual husband than themselves?
2. How can the author say that the reasons are unknown when you yourself say that “maybe such females are sometimes egoistic and uncompromising when it comes to career and individual achievements.”
3. The author says “When females who are no more than high school graduates can PUT UP with intelligent males what’s wrong the other way round?” The use of the words ‘put up’ itself implies that living with a significantly more intelligent partner is like a punishment?
4. A friend called me just now – and I shared some of the points from this article with him. He says “We all look for what we don’t have. Hence, I do not look for intelligent girls”.
5. The author says “Personally, this seems to be a positive change, for men realize that their responsibilities go beyond being merely bread-earners of the family.”
Personally, I would also be glad if more women start to become bread-earners of the family.
DISCLAIMER: I firmly believe that women are a better species than men. They are superior to men in every respect – be it physical or mental.
Rahul Verma
June 21, 2009 (Sunday) at 2:21 am
Every automobile has different kind of gears and every prism has different angles. You must have understood the implications of the statement
… thanks for the supplement. But, our ‘Indian’ societies are basically patriarchal in nature, ‘male-centered’, it is difficult for girls to be born in the first place (forget about being educated) and it is still further difficult for a woman to be called ‘elite’ and also be ‘personally fulfilled’ .
Anne De Plume
June 21, 2009 (Sunday) at 12:10 pm
How is your comment related to any of the 5 points mentioned in my earlier email?
Still since you have brought up the false notion of India being a ‘patriarchal’ society, being ‘male-centered’ in nature. Kindly elaborate on what do you mean by these terms?
Because as far as I see, women have a better deal than men in almost all the walks of life.
Rahul Verma
June 21, 2009 (Sunday) at 7:18 pm
He Anne.. Cool.. Life is like that. You cannot the male change the world in a day.
Sasmita: Yes, you are right dear. Every one is not like what we experience every day. Chill !!
Rahul: Enjoyed your analysis. Looks like you have a lot respect for the opposite sex. But, unfortunately, every one is not like you. Lets be bold and courageous to accept… that this is a male dominated society. I don’t think you need any such example to prove this. Every day, at every moment, many girls are dying many un-natural causes. Don’t want to spoil Anne’s blog with all the details.
Binita Diwan
June 21, 2009 (Sunday) at 11:43 pm
Binita: Thanks for the supplement….I am not a women rights’ activist and neither am I intent on changing the world….these are some of my observations recorded in the post.
Rahul: My response was meant only for the five points you mentioned above. Anyway, patriarchal society means….wiki entry: “Patriarchy is the structuring of family units based on the man, as father figure, having primary authority over the rest of the family members.”
Indeed, if you intend to see how: “women have a better deal than men in almost all the walks of life”, do go to remote India, where female infanticide is rampant, or where still girls are not given equal education as boys, or where everyday thousands of girls become school/college dropouts. Go to urban India, where a female who goes to office at 8 am, just like her male counterpart, is ‘expected’ to cook for the entire family (sometimes 10-15 people), come back and look after the kids’ homework, also where she is not expected to share her income with her parents or family or where girls are chosen on the basis of their complexion or which college they have had their education from or what arts/crafts she knows…. One might say, but that is what our mothers used to do…well, that is what I meant by patriarchy and ‘male-dominated’ society.
Reverse gear meant that there are two sides of the coin….I don’t think all men are draconian. Human beings are themselves diverse. But, some can be psychologically, socially and physically tormenting — your denying it doesn’t change statistics.
Anne De Plume
June 22, 2009 (Monday) at 8:47 am
I had left a comment on July 23rd and I see that you have not approved it to let it appear on your blog.
What do you want me to understand now? That you have only biased views and no supporting data at all? That you spread false beliefs through your blogs and when someone challenges your beliefs, you just ignore them? On top of that, you pretend to the public that they did not respond – now anyone who visits your blog will see your last post and think that I did not reply.
Typical manipulative female!
iluvshrutiverma
June 26, 2009 (Friday) at 6:01 pm
@Rahul: Your language shows how you respect others. Why do you think that I will respond to all your craps? Your language shows how much you respect people including “females”. Your last post showed the same kind of sentiments. Do you want to know why I did not approve your previous comment? That is because I did not want to edit someone’s comment and neither did I want to allow you to advertise your blog on my blog (you had given a link to your blog post as an ‘evidence’).
The post I had written here is not only based on my experience, but also based on the statistics, which you can find out on your own if you want to. I am not propagating any false notions. It is you, who is showing his frustrations of his personal life and trying to justify your ideas. I did not want to be impolite to any of my readers, but your language and attitude is driving me to. Moreover, I do not want to divert my readers to an unhealthy and base less debate.
If any one visits your site will definitely understand the truth behind it. So, do not think that others are not watching what you do. In addition, how do you know that I am a female? Don’t assume some one’s gender based on an article.
Remember, it is a moderated blog. Will up any comment, if it is relevant to the post, not to encourage some one’s personal vendetta. I hope you understand what I mean to say.
Anne De Plume
June 26, 2009 (Friday) at 10:00 pm